I realized I have not been feeling like a poet lately…. I am missing the poignance of life, the painfully poignant capacity for feelings, for textures, for the myriad shades and hues of the manic explosion that is being alive… That is the gift of the arts… of writers, painters, performers… they have the "power" to feel beyond what others can… sensitivity. This power is both a gift and a curse. This gift I so miss…
And yes, I sometimes worry too, that the absence of this "power" has made me lose the capacity for love. Without conscious suppression or prudence… my heart has refused to beat for someone, anyone. I do date. But nada. Nothing. The truth is, I am more moved by tragedies on TV, by stories, even by crying kittens left on the street. I am not sure what happened. I want to feel.
First, let me say that I believe that love is real. I have felt it a lifetime ago. I have felt its fire, its ice, its darkness and sweetness--heaven and hell, torment and relief. And, although I have recuperated from the quiet tortures of first love's sting, I still believe that love is real. I see it in my Tatay and Nanay's 35-year-old marriage. I have seen it in elderly people holding hands while crossing the streets…. And although love can sometimes beat the lucidity in one person, it's not just an overrated bullish*t. It is real. It makes impossible things possible. It remains one of the most powerful, most beautiful, albeit most volatile and unstable and sometimes most violent, energy-source in the hands of humanity. And not to mention it is also all-natural, renewable, CFC-free and with no carbon footprints!
Friends has constantly reminded me of my age and that my biological clock is ticking. And if I want a child, I must move now. There were times that certain people have tried to condescend on me using their children and husbands like a medal or trophy saying, "Ako may anak na ako, may asawa… e ikaw?" I have gotten a lot of "babaan mo kasi any standards mo." Why do I have a feeling that at my age, love and marriage must be treated like a game of musical chairs or Trip to Jerusalem? That I should jump into whoever is available so I won't be "left behind."
And in the first place, what does moving forward or being left behind mean? I do not think being single, or married, for that matter, is a basis, if ever there is even a basis, for who is better or worse in life.
I have been discussing this with myself lately…
Number 1, it can't just be a case of "babaan ang standards." Every person has his/her own beauty. I think it is unfair for men to be boxed as "sige na nga, pwede na 'yan." I guess, it is more of a matter of compatibility. Yes, I do have my non-negotiables. And having those does not mean that I think too highly of myself and that some men are not good enough for me. I simply think that relationships, especially marriages, aren't fixed when there is already a problem. The best time to fix a marriage or a relationship is even before they were began. Most of the time, problems arise from the differences in what the two party's value, what they hold true or even sacred, what is taboo, what is untouchable… A relationship is a shared life. How can two people share the road when they are going different directions?
Number 2, I have been asking God, if He intends to, to send me a mission partner. Someone I will love and who will love me. Someone I can serve Him through serving His people with. Because for me this is life.
Life is about exploring what is within me, so I can use it outside of me. Discovering myself, so I can reach out to people. To see, what gifts the Creator of all that is good, has placed within my reach, and how to use them to make life even for a gazillionth bit more beautiful for another. I have seen desperation. And I hold firmly, that I was made exactly who I am for a purpose. Life, other than for this purpose is a cheap mimicry of what it is supposed to be… like only fooling myself, for the benefit of others' approval, at my own expense.
And getting into a relationship, with all its complications and dangers, simply to have a badge to slam at condescending people's faces is simply not worth it.
Number 3, What if I grow old alone? Yes, I have got to face this possibility as well. I am now thirty, and I have had only one boyfriend. At this rate, many people are doubtful if I will find someone. And unless, for them, I get aggressive with my options, the chances are grim. Hahahaha. Sometimes, it can sound like a death sentence. It was not very easy having to contemplate on this. One of my dreams is to have children, a daughter perhaps whom I may call Haraya Kalayaan, or a son I can name Kalinaw or Yeshuah or Alon. And having to contend with the fact that they may not exist is like a bad dream.
This possibility is sad but real. I remember when I was young and on fire, I told myself that I will not opt to have a family because it will limit me. As I grew older, I realized I will not always be strong. There will be failures, broken hopes, frustrations… I will always have those times that I will need a home. A harbor for my wandering heart. And I dream too, for people to find a home in me.
However, I know that whether or not I will find a lifetime partner, and have children, I will still live to serve my God. I will still live to find out how my short life will have meaning. How I can do something, even if only too little, only what I can, to somehow bring a little sunshine in this sometimes miserable hole called world. I will still live to explore this perpetually awesome universe that seems so big for a little awe-struck child like me. I will still live to eat and experience cultures through my palate. I will read and and write stories, climb mountains, cross seas, travel and sing and know languages. Somehow, I will manage. I made peace with myself. I will still live life to the full, head on, face forward, armed only with my heart.
Maybe, when that person comes, I will feel again.
Well… I don't know. What I know is, life is beautiful. And the best is yet to come. And I will wake up one morning filled with creative juices that I can write poetry again, sing, or paint! Feel. I will feel again, even if it has to begin with crying kittens abandoned in streets by heartless owners.
And yes, I sometimes worry too, that the absence of this "power" has made me lose the capacity for love. Without conscious suppression or prudence… my heart has refused to beat for someone, anyone. I do date. But nada. Nothing. The truth is, I am more moved by tragedies on TV, by stories, even by crying kittens left on the street. I am not sure what happened. I want to feel.
First, let me say that I believe that love is real. I have felt it a lifetime ago. I have felt its fire, its ice, its darkness and sweetness--heaven and hell, torment and relief. And, although I have recuperated from the quiet tortures of first love's sting, I still believe that love is real. I see it in my Tatay and Nanay's 35-year-old marriage. I have seen it in elderly people holding hands while crossing the streets…. And although love can sometimes beat the lucidity in one person, it's not just an overrated bullish*t. It is real. It makes impossible things possible. It remains one of the most powerful, most beautiful, albeit most volatile and unstable and sometimes most violent, energy-source in the hands of humanity. And not to mention it is also all-natural, renewable, CFC-free and with no carbon footprints!
Friends has constantly reminded me of my age and that my biological clock is ticking. And if I want a child, I must move now. There were times that certain people have tried to condescend on me using their children and husbands like a medal or trophy saying, "Ako may anak na ako, may asawa… e ikaw?" I have gotten a lot of "babaan mo kasi any standards mo." Why do I have a feeling that at my age, love and marriage must be treated like a game of musical chairs or Trip to Jerusalem? That I should jump into whoever is available so I won't be "left behind."
And in the first place, what does moving forward or being left behind mean? I do not think being single, or married, for that matter, is a basis, if ever there is even a basis, for who is better or worse in life.
I have been discussing this with myself lately…
Number 1, it can't just be a case of "babaan ang standards." Every person has his/her own beauty. I think it is unfair for men to be boxed as "sige na nga, pwede na 'yan." I guess, it is more of a matter of compatibility. Yes, I do have my non-negotiables. And having those does not mean that I think too highly of myself and that some men are not good enough for me. I simply think that relationships, especially marriages, aren't fixed when there is already a problem. The best time to fix a marriage or a relationship is even before they were began. Most of the time, problems arise from the differences in what the two party's value, what they hold true or even sacred, what is taboo, what is untouchable… A relationship is a shared life. How can two people share the road when they are going different directions?
Number 2, I have been asking God, if He intends to, to send me a mission partner. Someone I will love and who will love me. Someone I can serve Him through serving His people with. Because for me this is life.
Life is about exploring what is within me, so I can use it outside of me. Discovering myself, so I can reach out to people. To see, what gifts the Creator of all that is good, has placed within my reach, and how to use them to make life even for a gazillionth bit more beautiful for another. I have seen desperation. And I hold firmly, that I was made exactly who I am for a purpose. Life, other than for this purpose is a cheap mimicry of what it is supposed to be… like only fooling myself, for the benefit of others' approval, at my own expense.
And getting into a relationship, with all its complications and dangers, simply to have a badge to slam at condescending people's faces is simply not worth it.
Number 3, What if I grow old alone? Yes, I have got to face this possibility as well. I am now thirty, and I have had only one boyfriend. At this rate, many people are doubtful if I will find someone. And unless, for them, I get aggressive with my options, the chances are grim. Hahahaha. Sometimes, it can sound like a death sentence. It was not very easy having to contemplate on this. One of my dreams is to have children, a daughter perhaps whom I may call Haraya Kalayaan, or a son I can name Kalinaw or Yeshuah or Alon. And having to contend with the fact that they may not exist is like a bad dream.
This possibility is sad but real. I remember when I was young and on fire, I told myself that I will not opt to have a family because it will limit me. As I grew older, I realized I will not always be strong. There will be failures, broken hopes, frustrations… I will always have those times that I will need a home. A harbor for my wandering heart. And I dream too, for people to find a home in me.
However, I know that whether or not I will find a lifetime partner, and have children, I will still live to serve my God. I will still live to find out how my short life will have meaning. How I can do something, even if only too little, only what I can, to somehow bring a little sunshine in this sometimes miserable hole called world. I will still live to explore this perpetually awesome universe that seems so big for a little awe-struck child like me. I will still live to eat and experience cultures through my palate. I will read and and write stories, climb mountains, cross seas, travel and sing and know languages. Somehow, I will manage. I made peace with myself. I will still live life to the full, head on, face forward, armed only with my heart.
Maybe, when that person comes, I will feel again.
Well… I don't know. What I know is, life is beautiful. And the best is yet to come. And I will wake up one morning filled with creative juices that I can write poetry again, sing, or paint! Feel. I will feel again, even if it has to begin with crying kittens abandoned in streets by heartless owners.